Dear Howard Stern,
I don't care if your New Year's Eve program did set the all-time world record for a pay-for-view TV event. And I don't care, either, if your book is a best-seller and people are lining up around the block to get a signed copy of it. I just want to tell you, in all candor, that you are an ugly person. Ugly, Ugly, UGLY. You are as ugly as a raw turnip. Ugly as a day-old dog turd. Next to you that fat slob Rush Limbaugh looks like Clark Gable. You are ugly inside and outside both. Quit hiding behind ethnicity. That's no excuse. Your hippie hairdo doesn't do a thing for you, either. Why don't you get smart and go find a good place to hide instead of flaunting your ugliness in the florid face of the American public?
As a member in good standing of the South Carolina Ugly Patrol (an all-volunteer, nonprofit, statewide organization dedicated to the proposition that "Beauty is Truth") I am compelled in good conscience to write to you. . . .
Stop, please. Wait just a minute!
Please forgive me, dear reader. It was not I who wrote the above rude and counterproductive words addressed to one of America's cultural icons and leading celebrities. I, myself, would never do such a thing. True, I might conceivably think something like that, but I would never allow myself to give voice and utterance to such negative thoughts. In my opinion it was Towne, John Towne, no more...