Letters to the Bishop

Seminary Boot Camp

Your Excellency:

Please forgive my extended holographic hiatus.  What with the “priestly scandals,” the “bishop scandals,” the decline and death of one pope and the election of another, I assumed you and your fellow shepherds had your hands full.  Besides, I had little to offer by way of helpful suggestion.  How could I?  Our diocesan paper reports good news everywhere in the diocese, while the empty confessionals versus the hordes of communicants at each Mass continue to indicate that American Catholics have to a great extent vanquished sin.

First, let me congratulate you and all the other American bishops.  You gallant gentlemen have weathered tempestuous storms and stilled troubled waters.  You have broken up the homosexual networks in the seminaries and chanceries, separating the wheat from the chaff (or is that the weak from the daft?).  You have raised funds to pay for the massive lawsuits stemming from sexual abuse.  You have tapped the brakes on the American schism with Rome.  (All right, all right, I admit it.  I’m messing with your miter, Your Excellency.  Forgive me.  Your fellow bishops have apparently decided that “gay” priests, like the poor, will be with us always, that certain dioceses will pay out their lawsuits by selling schools and churches built three and four generations ago on the backs of the working-class Catholic faithful,...

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