If you thought “woke” hysteria killed comedy, fear no longer: Hollywood has come to the rescue. The Academy—a misnomer if there ever was one—has decreed that a movie can no longer be eligible for an award unless it meets certain criteria. All “Best Picture” nominees must include storylines about underrepresented groups, and a significant percentage of a film’s lead actors and support staff must be members of said underrepresented groups, namely “people of color,” homosexuals, transsexuals, and the disabled—the latter preferably of mixed race.
The greedy lowlifes who run La-La Land will now make sure filmmakers tick all the boxes when casting a movie. Hollywood has depended on recycling past triumphs since at least the late ’50s. Now, as they prepare to remake Casablanca, imagine the hoops they’ll have to jump through.
Rick would have to be played by a black actor, probably Idris Elba, and Ilsa, let’s say by an Arab lesbian (yet to be discovered). The new script would have Rick stuck in Casablanca after a failed drug deal, stalked by Major Strasser, a drug enforcement agent of Hawaiian background who has a fetish for Nazi uniforms. The only white person in the movie would be the disabled piano player, who tickles the ivories with his toes, having burnt both his hands to a crisp while stoking the embers in his coal-fired boiler.
Victor Laszlo, Ilsa’s hubby, would be a Saudi sensitivity training expert who used to pimp her out to women until his life was transformed by reading the Koran. He and Ilsa began their affair at university in Riyadh, were separated after he was arrested by the religious police, and were reunited in Beirut before ending up in Casablanca.
Captain Renault would be played by the incarcerated R & B star R. Kelly, furloughed from his present residence in prison for the duration of the shoot. The love of vulnerable, underage girls shared by both the R & B star and the character he would play makes this casting a natural selection that will be very popular with fans.
Can you envision the endless possibilities, dear readers, once the woke brigades get a hold of past Hollywood films? Denzel Washington could be a credible Rhett Butler; Rihanna could play Scarlett. The trouble would start with the characters of Big Sam and Mammy, ditto when remaking Porgy and Bess. Never mind, though, just fill the hospital scene in Atlanta with transgender and nonbinary people shown moaning and groaning while Sherman’s bombs are falling, and the remake will be lauded for righting historical wrongs.
The old Tarzan films would obviously pose a problem. Meghan Markle would make a believable Jane, with Tarzan played by Jamie Foxx. It’s the natives I’m worried about. They will have to be of Scandinavian extraction. Since the movies would be shot in Norway, loincloths would give extras very little protection against frostbite.
The Godfather franchise, rebooted as The Godmother, will pose no such problems. The famous scene where Al Pacino shoots the bad white police captain in the face will be reshot exactly as in the original, with Cardi B blasting away at a Sterling Hayden lookalike. The 1972 racist joke of “Wops versus Cops” will no longer apply, not with the new Cardi Corleone, Lizzo as the Godmother, and a supporting cast of other black female stars burning up the silver screen.
So there you have it, a new, improved, and politically correct movie industry entering the new millennium with a bang. Misandry, Greek for hatred of the male sex, will be the theme behind every blockbuster. Wonder Woman will make mincemeat of Superman, unless in his latest reincarnation he has a sex change.
The opportunities are endless: Every Western can be reshot with women taking the roles once upon a time hogged by the likes of John Wayne and Randolph Scott. Imagine what they can do with the remake of The Wild Bunch. The Mexican baddies will of course be Nordic types, and the wonderful Bill Holden’s role as an aging antihero will be taken by the aging Meghan Markle once again.
The role reversals now required by Hollywood and the so-called Academy are not as outlandish as they sound. Not when a once-credible newspaper like The New York Times has turned into a leftist propaganda rag promoting the revisionist history that the American Revolution was fought in order to preserve slavery.
Of course, the new, improved Hollywood will also continue to take its cue from the standards set by the massive Chinese market, where Communist leaders micromanage all life, including the movies.
Freedom of speech is supposed to allow individuals and groups to defend their interests against encroaching authority. The reversal of the ideals of Voltaire practiced by the left and its media allies is nothing less than a coup to seize power over our thought processes, once and for all. Hollywood is just following orders.
Taki Theodoracopulos is a writer living in New York, London, and Gstaad. In addition to his long-running High Life column in The Spectator, Taki writes Under the Black Flag for each number of Chronicles, and publishes Taki’s Magazine, a webzine.