Ivory Tower Iconoclast

Five Modest Swamp-Draining Proposals

How many times will naive voters fall for the old “when elected I will shrink the federal government” lie? If our Solipsist-in-Chief can’t “drain the swamp,” you can bet your last VHS Jazzercise tape that myriad new laws, middle-class tax cuts, and feeble protests will never stem the federal Leviathan’s metastasis. With that reality in mind, let me propose a five-point plan designed to make political freeloaders live like the rest of America. I can only hope their newfound empathy will ignite a drive to limit the federal government’s inexorable growth.

Article One: Remove all air conditioners (and fans) within the geographic limits of Washington, D.C. The left wants a Green New Deal; what better way to kick it off than to eradicate unnecessary energy use? Humans need heat, or they will freeze. Humans don’t need 68-degree air gently blowing on them to counteract a sweltering day. At worst, their sweat stains will ruin a few shirts. Toward that end, let’s also require federal employees to wear blue shirts from April 1 until October 31 so they can nauseate each other by looking like they just got “milk-shaked” by Antifa. I can barely stand New York City’s 66-percent June average relative humidity when I must venture out of doors. Washington clocks in at an indistinguishable 65 percent. Granted, Houston at 75 percent and New Orleans at 76 percent...

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