Letters to the Bishop

Election Hangover

Your Excellency,

I don’t know about you, but I am ready for this campaign season to be as dead as Scrooge’s doornail.  For the last month, political commercials have crowded television screens and websites, interrupting even Mayberry reruns and the latest scoop on Paris Hilton.  Despite their promises to avoid negative campaigns, all candidates have by now thoroughly execrated one another.  (Positive campaigning would put everyone to sleep, including the candidates.  For entertainment purposes, give me the candidate who goes for the jugular instead of the mind any day of the week.)

The conclusion of past elections has usually induced sighs of relief among voters eager to recommence their lives.  This election, however, presents some particular difficulties.  If the Democrats lose the presidential race, some political observers predict that all hell will break lose, that blacks will riot in the streets, and that feminists who long ago burned their bras will kick down the barn doors and burn anything wearing a penis.  If the Republicans lose the election, other pundits fear that battalions of despairing evangelicals may turn for solace to alcohol and loose women, costing our country billions in lost work hours and thereby increasing our national deficit.

These possibilities present the Church with a unique opportunity.

Several million fervent Democrats suffer from Palin Derangement Syndrome...

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