The Presidential Press Conference That Will Never Happen
Q. Mr. President, Justin Raimondo, antiwar.com. We just passed the sixth anniversary of 9/11, and Osama bin Laden is still at large and more influential than ever, while hatred of America seems to be growing in the Mideast and other parts of the world. Is it possible the U.S. has been following the wrong strategy in the War on Terror?
A. As I have said over and over before the VFW and when I speak to the troops, who are very enthusiastic for the War on Terror by the way, we have to stop them over there or before you know it we will have to fight them over here. They hate our freedom you know. As President Kennedy said, you must sacrifice any burden for democracy. That great American thinker Nathan Whathizname said that too. I read the book.
Q. Mr. President, Marcus Epstein, vdare.com, a follow-up, please. But the 9/11 terrorists were already over here—most of them illegally. Doesn’t that suggest the need for better immigration control?
A. Next question—
Q. Mr. President, Chilton Williamson, Middle American News. Figures released recently indicate that in the last two years over a thousand Americans, including more than 50 police officers, have been killed by illegal aliens from Mexico . . .
A. Anti-Americans prevented my comprehensive plan for immigration reform—which we will accomplish next year despite anything those un-American bigots and haters may say. . . . America is a land of immigrants and all faiths are welcome here. Mexico enriches our country with its wonderful hard-working people and family values and lawn care and Islam is a religion of peace. Look at great Mexican-Americans like Alberto Gonzales and Mel Martinez—and, uh, Sammy Sosa.
Q. Mr President, Wayne Allensworth for Chronicles: Some experts feel that the U.S. is following a policy of deliberate hostility toward Russia, when we ought to be pursuing a path of cooperation. Some believe that Mr. Putin, for instance, is actually cleaning up some of the previous corruption.
A. As Condi will tell you, Russian policies are beginning to threaten world stability, like undermining democracy where we have some of our bases in Asia.
Q. Mr. President, Paul Craig Roberts. Many people think that our present trade policies are increasing the gap between rich and poor, undermining the middle class, and making America into a Third World economy. What is your opinion on that belief?
A. My administration has created almost a million jobs which shows you that NAFTA is working for McDonald's and other companies. America is the land of opportunity—this is why the terrorists hate us for our freedom and we must not cut and run from the War on Terror. And I ask all Americans not listen to gloom and doom and keep on shopping.
Q. Mr. President, William Lind. Some economists and observers have expressed great concern that so much of our national debt is owned by China, that this puts our economy in a very vulnerable position . . .
A. They are willing to give us their money. That just shows you how they admire us for our freedom and democracy and how great free trade is when my Dad was Ambassador over there for democracy. I hope we can soon say the same great thing about Mexico.
Q. (Helen Thomas): Mr. President, it has been reported that you recently acquired a big ranch in Paraguay. Can you tell us why and if you are making plans for your retirement?
A. They have some very interesting animals there that we could use in Texas. Besides, Dick said it was a good idea. No more questions. I have a meeting with President Umgum—uh, that fellow from Upper Volta where I decided to do more to help them having more AIDS.
Entries(RSS)
Hilarious.
Q. Mr. President, Donald Livingston, the Abbeville Institute. There are now secession movements in 26 states. Isn't it time to try a policy of decentralization?
A. Domestic terrorism is a growing a problem. All of the nations of the world need to decentralize and join the coalition of the willing.
Very funny and very accurate.
Q. Mr. President, Robert M. Peters, The Kudzu Vine - We thoroughly cover every story. Why are so many military bases, particularly army bases, named after Confederate generals? Given your current policy on immigration, shouldn't they be renamed after Mexican generals?
A. No sir, see we've got to keep those names so those Southern boys will keep fightin' our wars for us, at least until I get enough Mexican mercenaries up here. It's the same thing with those Texans; we really need their support. That's why I claim to be one of them. My accent ain't too bad for a Connecticut Yankee, is it? But I'm hedging my bets; that's why I've learned Spanish; and I've had Laura buy me a sombrero.
I laugh to keep from crying!
Q. Mr, President, Beaver Cleaver, Animal World in Review. We hear that you are going to see the Dalai Lama today. What do you expect from the visit?
A. Well, this will prove that I can work with a bipartisan Congress. They have given the Lama a medal, and I'm going to present it to him. I just hope that he's not like his pesky cousins, the camels. I had one spit on me the last time I was in Iraq. But I do look forward to a visit to the zoo. I serve the people, and the people's time is valuable. While at the zoo seeing the Lama, I'll visit the chicken hawks; I am, as you know, partial to them.
Q. Mr. President. Thomas Jefferson, Founding Father. What is your opinion of Dr. Ron Paul and what are his chances of winning the Republican nomination for president?
A. Ahh, well, ahh, Ron, as you know, is a, ahh, Ron is from Texas like me and he seems to have a lot of grassroots support. My, ahh, advisors tell me that what Ron is advocating wouldn't be good for America nor the American people. You see, well, I'm the decider and I know what's best for America. And the things that Ron is saying, well, lets be honest, if his policies were implimented it would set our quest for a New World Order back a hunnert years. The abolishment of the IRS, the disbanding of the CIA, closing America's borders, bringin' the troops home, shuttin' down the Federal Reserve... let's face it. The average American is against doin' this stuff. They are against it 'cause, well ahh, I'm the decider and I say it's bad. We hope that the American people see through our hypocritical stance on Ron, ahh, I mean Ron's hypocritical standing on...we hope he don't get nominated. And I got full bi-partisan support on that one.
Did you say Thomas Jefferson? I don't think I ever heard of you. Are you kin to William Jefferson Clinton. Now he's a good friend of mine...
Q. Mr. President, John Lott, Gun Owners of America. Despite rhetoric early in your presidency about being strong on the 2nd amendment, you recently urged Congress to pass a bill granting the AG the right to deny a gun sale based solely on a whim, without any due process, not unlike that of the 'no fly list'. Is there anything you can do to prove yourself again to responsible gun owners?
A. Guns? Why do ya need guns? Why, as of today, I am forming "Freedom Militias' which will patrol all streets of all US cities, to make sure youre getting a proper dosage of freedom. These militias will answer directly to me, and will be up of alphabet agency agents, like the ATF or DEA, known for their freedom loving tactics. You've probably heard of the 'no-knock freedom check', to make sure that Ahmadinedude doesnt try to take your freedoms from you, which is by the way why they hate us. So you dont need dem guns.
"The only thing that worries me about you is your optimism."
- Spanish prime minister Jose Maria Aznar to US President George W Bush, from the "Crawford Transcript" of February 22, 2003
DISPATCHES FROM AMERICA
Bush's faith run over by history
http://www.atimes.com/atimes/Middle_East/IJ19Ak01.html
(A recently published transcript of a discussion held in February 2003 - nearly a month before the Iraq war began - between US President George W Bush and Jose Maria Aznar, then prime minister of Spain, throws into sharp focus the attitudes and character of a president who was "at peace with himself". His "gift" then of confusing uplifting rhetoric and faith with reality remains undimmed today - he remains at peace with himself, we are told. - Mark Danner, courtesy of the New York Review of Books (Oct 18, '07))
Revolution.
If we could only get all those gentlemen into the same room with GWB in reality . . .
Thank, you, Dr. Wilson, for another outstanding column.
Mr. President, Tom Davis, Bacon County Observer. Now that you have admitted that Iraq and Saddam had nothing to do with the 9-11 attacks, coupled with the fact that Iraq is in the middle of a growing civil war, don't you think it is time to bring our troops home from Iraq?
Look, Saddam was a Dick-tater, you know what a Dick-tater is Tom? A Dick-tater is a guy who likes to boss you around--to tell you what you can do and don't-what not- you can do. A Dick-tater basically Dick-tates. And a Dick-tater hates freedom, hates people, even hates love. Not like us--we don't dick-tate, we have what they call a de-mocracy. We love and they hate. And we welcome people from all faiths. Even homsexyals may have good hearts!
And to answer your question, Tom...I never said Saddam planned 9-11. I said he was a terrorist, you know, someone who disagrees with our plans, not necessarily makes his own. Those are two different things....fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice...uh...can't fool me again! Next question!